Discovering God for Myself..... Part I

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Okay y'all, at the risk of sounding exceptionally stupid...I'll admit, before I started going to my current church, (Faith Christian Fellowship World Outreach) two and a half years ago, I had no idea what "worship" really was. I had been brought up in the notion that you went to church to worship God, and it was there that you worshipped Him...at church. But what it was exactly at the church service that entailed worship, I really could not have told you if you had asked me.

It was frustrating as heck for me going to church, coming home, and still feeling no difference, seeing no differences or changes in my life or in those around me. Week after week after week, year in, and year out of faithful church attendance. Still no fulfillment. Life's hollow emptiness weighing me down. Just what was this worship/church thing all about? What was I missing? What was I doing wrong? What did I just not understand?

Why did a few people some churches I visited seem to have something special? What was it that they had? Why didn't I have it, and what was it? Why didn't the preachers seem to have it? How do I go about getting it...that special glow, that just shone forth from a just few of the old ladies? What I did have was a big ol' case of ignorance!

Looking back, I see that church was only something that was expected of me. You were expected to go to church. Over the years it became a ritualistic deed....and even a social outlet, but devoid of special meaning or function or purpose. My church defined me as a Christian...but only because I belonged, nothing more.

Even though I owned a Bible I barely read it anymore. (I had started voraciously reading it when I first became "saved".) No one carried bibles at any of my past churches anyway. (Well, except for a few of the old ladies). And what for? The devotional responsive readings were included in the bulletin each Sunday. We knew the preacher was going to "take a text," that he or someone else would read for him, and we'd listen to him scream and hoop, holler and scat like James Brown for the next 45 minutes to an hour. Sometimes, it was enterainment at its best.

The preachers/pastors of my past never encouraged any of us to chew on the Word on our own, and being of the stupid sheep mentality, we did not think to venture off to true green pastures for ourselves. We had been led and left to graze in the pseudo green pasture of "Ignorance is Bliss." Baa-aaah!

It wasn't until many years later when I came full circle, to the end of myself--when I stopped relying on myself, other people, and things for the answers to fill the voids in my life....(well, I thought there were several voids, but it turns out that there was only one), that I started getting answers.

Enter my new church. Immediately, when I came in, even though I did not know any one, I felt comfortable. After a couple of months, I even felt like I was a part of the family! Right away when I started attending, I noticed a certain "spirituality" that was new to me; a sincerity and genuineness that was startling. I saw people unabashedly worshipping God. The praise and worship leader had such a deep sincerity, that I could feel it from my seat. Wow.

No phony showmanship, as in "cutting a step," better than Sister Soandso at this church. It was awesome to see people worship throughout the service, and not be concerned about how they looked to someone else; focused solely on God....wow. I really admired that. But I could not bring myself to join in. How could I? From years of spiritual abuse and neglect, I now felt too unworthy to even really pray...much less worship. To mask my real feelings, me and my girlfriend "ragged" on other people in attendance. Yeah, I felt a little guilty about it, but so what? It was funny...until the sermon came....

Imagine my surprise when the Pastor gave his message and it seemed as if the message was tailored soley to me and my situation. The title of the message alone was enough to knock my socks off! I was BLOWN AWAY! But by mid-week, I had all but written it all off as a fluke...but still I came back the following week to test the waters again. Nah, it couldn't be God! Gee, could it be God?

"A double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways. " James 1:8

And that indeed I was. A part of me wanted change, and desperately needed change. Another part of me wanted to remain just as I had become: selfish, hard, cold, unfeeling, that way there be no guilt when I did or said something completely contrary to God. (The fire and brimstone messages of my past had thoroughly smoked my brain, and I knew absolutley nothing [comparatively speaking] of His merciful love and grace).

The next week, the very same thing happened. I asked my girlfriend who was with me, "How could this be?" We both felt like the Pastor was talking directly to each of us within our own separate situations. Weird! Whew! It suddenly started to feel very hot in there! (Somebody turn up the air!) I was still confused as to how the Pastor could be speaking directly to me. How could this be? This had NEVER happened in all my years of 'Churchanity' before. This was somewhat unsettling...what would be next?!

The third Sunday, I went to church arms folded, and eventhough I was thinking, "Okay, ain't no way this is God, I'll prove that today when the Pastor says some off-the-wall stuff does not pertain to me." Unbeknownst even to myself at the time, I was secretly hoping deep down inside that God was speaking to me. I needed Him like never before...That maybe the past two Sundays had not been a fluke of a fluke. Besides, there was no way a fluke could happen a third Sunday straight. If it happened today, then it had to be God. And guess what? (Drum roll please....) Again, on the third Sunday, as the Holy Spirit filled words from the Pastor resonated within my spirit, all I could do was cry, and weakly ask, "Um, okay, God...is that You?" (Doh!) Then my words became, "Okay, God, I know it's You. Tell me what You want me to do."

I later discovered when you listen with spiritual ears, you allow the Holy Spirit to take the Pastor's message and minister to you revealing the precise area(s) that you need for your life. Oh! So that's what's been going on!

To settle this once and for all, I made a date with God. I told Him I was going to meet Him early one sunrise on the beach, and we were going to have 'words' with each other. I could not wait for our date. When the appointed morning came, I went to the beach alone. It was cold and dark but I was not afraid. I found a spot and sat down, and immediately poured out. "Okay God, here I am, where are You? Well God, I know You are here, and You know why I am here, so just listen to me". I talked, I cried, I confessed, and towards the end of our talk something unexpectant happened...I submitted my whole life over to His will for my life. I had not planned on doing that! It seemed that it was me that did all the talking... out loud anyway, but God communicated with His Spirit. As I left the beach that morning, I went away anew with a peace that I had never experienced before. I also had the answers to some burning questions embedded deep into my spirit. It is amazing how God can do that.

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer."
Psalm 17:5-7

"Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me." Psalm 71:1-3

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid." John14:27

Please click here for Part II when it is available.

God is MORE than worthy to be praised! \o/